Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Baby Blues

I really want to be a mama! I long to hear a little voice say, "I love you Mommy!" Michael and I are not actively trying to have a child. Michael reallly thinks that we should wait until we get ourselves into a better financial situation. While my head agrees with that fact, it's hard to tell my heart that. I will be 30 years old in July. So I'm not getting any younger.

I have PCOS which could possibly make having children impossible. That scares me! PCOS is a pretty serious thing. I take medicine for it and it has helped regulate some of the symptoms, but not all of them. The possible inability to have children, the extra weight, facial fair, thinning hair, and depression can be overwhelming at times. Honestly it's only through the grace of God that brings me through and sustains me. While its difficult and overwhelming, I take great comfort that God is in control! Does that mean I'm always happy? No. Does that mean that my emotions never take over? No. Yet, I know that I am loved and not forgotten by God.

I work with children everyday! I see about 500 children each week. Thats a lot of kids and a lot of hugs! I love my job and I can't picture myself doing anything else as a job. There was only once when I came to tears about not having a child. I was on a field trip with one of the summer camps last year to a water sprinkler park. There was this young Mom with a toddler there. Watching them splash and have fun really made my heart ache for my own childlessness. Why can't I have a little adorable toddler to chase around the water park? That was a hard day.

At work and with my family I get the question, "When are you and Michael going to have a baby?" I don't know how to exactly answer that question. Do I say that "we are working on it"? Do I say "Someday"? How do I answer that question?

Well...that is my ranting for now! Have a good evening!


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