I am going to be honest here! I'm going to open up my feelings and struggles here! Not so easy, as I have been conditioned to always be "OK". So here I go!
I love my church! The people are amazing! I feel loved! I feel and see God's work in the church! Yet, this morning when I woke up, I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO CHURCH. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep for a few more hours! Michael convinced me to go!
We arrived a bit early! We sat down! I noticed a lot of people with cameras. Hmmmm...Cameras at church...that means one thing ,BABY DEDICATIONS! Great! I already didn't want to be at church, and now I will have to watching smiling young couples holding their new babies. I poked Michael and hissed "Baby Dedications". He whispered back, "How do you know?". I hissed back "Cameras in Church".
I felt my eyes begin to water. I kept munching on the gum that I had grabbed before heading out the door! I did the counting thing that I normally do to stop myself for crying. It worked! I just kept my eyes closed and prayed for strength.
Then the Pastor started talking about how children are blessings! I agree fully! My life has been touched by all the children I've worked with during the last 11 years. Then the Pastor said, "Children are rewards!" Hmmmmmmm....That was like a twisting knife in the old heart. Rewards for what? Being good? Being faithful? Doing the right things? I had a really hard time with that stament. So I burst out with sobs, right in the middle of church. My cheeks flushed. I just could not hold back! So there I was in the middle of a baby dedication, which is suppose to be a happy and joyful occasion. Grandmas and Grandpas came! There I was the "crazy" lady near the front who was sobbing. I felt horrible. I could just not control it!
After the dedication the Pastor, whom I am sure saw/heard my sobs offered up prayers for couples who are unable to conceive. To grant us comfort! For God to open our wombs. While I appreciate the prayer, all I wanted to do was run out of there as quickly as possible.
Thank you for Michael who just hugged me and held my hand. I am so blessed! He puts up with me moods and all my crazy ideas!
I anticipated the end of the service so I could just retreat to the safety of the car. Oh no, God would not let me escape that quickly! A woman came over to give me a hug. She told me that she knew exactly how I was feeling. She told me she was a nurse and offered any help or encouragment. I just did a lot of nodding. I didn't know exactly what to say. I collected her e-mail and gave her another hug. Isn't it amazing how God places even total strangers in your life to help.
It feels good to let out my emotions. Yet, I don't quite know what the next step will be!
I am praying and trusting for comfort and well at least peace for this situation!
If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for me!
Thats all for now! Have a lovely evening!
PS: The picture above is me when I was two years old. Look at my adorable chubby toddler hands!